Today an unprepared trip through town (heck, I've always been the one who prepares everything beforehand--even if its just for a trip around the block to buy my groceries! Heheheh...) has awakened the deepest part of my memory into wakefulness, a fragment of data that I thought was forever lost via time and age.
This may not be so important to me if I was at another place at another time, but this was different, much different! The sights and sounds of the city reminded me of the same experience I had when I first came to the city in the mid 90's, just moment after I've left school for the bigger picture. The time when I've decided to abandon my original obsession with space and stars for a career in extreme music (the mid 90's was the time when metal rules the hearts and minds of young people--including yours truly).
And finally, after enduring so much drama and setbacks for the umpteenth time, I realised then that I was actually staring right at the heart of my metal soul, the most sacred calling of my inner plain of existence that never let me off the hook all these while (and how I'm god-damned thankful because of that)! And it also had dawned upon me that--there and then--that it was never my intention at all to make extreme music for the glitter and glamor of stardom; but rather, in perpetuating the flow of innocence and magic from my most sacred insides, of awe and wonder of amazement in watching others putting onstage their very heart and soul for the world to see and hear, and also, to keep on reverying it all to the world day and night myself!
These were the things I've been searching for ever since I've got my own place to make music, the things that moulded me to become this soldiering songwriter with a heart of steel that I was never proud of becoming but I never really fucking cared because only my music mattered, nothing else! Lost partly from my stupidity in foolishly concentrating on all the stupid things in life, things that no metaller worth his salt (read: self-respecting) would do unless he wants to utterly ruin his musical life for good! And to think that it all were at that time staring at me right in the face; the sensation was like...DAMN!
Where had I been all these while huh?
And yes, now, after endlessly thanking the Above for this miraculous Eid-ul-Fitr present that overshadowed all the others, I'm now in a phase far beyond of "finally putting my foot down firmly on the ground and don't give a fuck anymore about anything that this Life may do to destabilize me from my music and detract me from my destiny!"
No! For I am now in the phase of "I'll do my music the way I wanted to do it, the way I wanted it to happen!"
And for this, to the rest of the world (my band members included)  I would say "accept me for what I'm good at, not for who I am! My life is only for music, and I don't give a fuck about guidelines or the right thing to do or the right way to do it or shit, either my way or fuck off! If you don't think there's anything worth fighting for or struggling for to achieve in your life in HALUN, then I don't force you to stay with me, ever! I won't shed a tear if you all leave!
JUST LET ME BE OR GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
There's no turning back now. I will go back to writing music, and may God takes care of the rest (including in turning my music into money for my livelihood). And if God really had destined me to die in poverty but never leave my music be, then all I can say is ANOTHER DEAD METALHEAD WILL NOT A SOURCE OF MOURNING MAKE! This I swear on my father's grave (even though his final words to me were to contact my "filthy" rich uncle to give me a winning lottery ticket, oh what a very thoughtful creature my father was, heh). Period.